More on Feb. 3 meet up: What NVC means to me

Dear SAIL members,
On the occasion of this wonderful opportunity to hear a presentation by the founder of the Peace Academy of Costa Rica on Sunday February 3, I am inspired to share what Nonviolent Communication (NVC) means to me. First of all NVC=Peace promoting=equality=WE begins with ME.

I had heard the term Nonviolent Communication for some years now, but hadn't paid much attention, since I didn't consider my situation to be violent. A few years ago, I had the intuitional nudge to purchase the audio version of NVC. I am so glad I did! Marshall Rosenberg has such a wonderful voice and manner of speaking! The stories he tells as examples from his own life and the experiences of students of his are amazing! Examples range from deflecting rapists, improving the behavior of a classroom of trouble making high school students, to marital conflict, parent-teenager conflict, gaining the cooperation of persons in authority in business and government, warring tribes, and more.

I have been consciously studying relationships and my own inner dialogue for years. NVC added much to my body of knowledge. I practice NVC techniques with my husband. Relating NVC back to spirituality: I figure I am reducing my karmic debt. I know I am already enjoying a better life experience this time around. I ask to be shown how I am making life more difficult than it needs to be; and how to experience more fulfillment in life. Finding NVC is a gift from the spirit world to me that continues to show me how to improve my life.

I envision a wonderfully different world we can have if we have peace making skills that are available to resolve conflicts within our personal being, between lovers, spouses, partners of all kinds, business, nations, etc. Right now there is conflict over natural resources and wealth. Cohabitation, intentional community, community, sharing of resources such as cash, tools, clothing, materials for making things, food growing skills, labor, skills and knowledge of all kinds is already and will be increasingly important for survival and redefining our definitions of the good life and prosperity.

Summer of 2007, I had the privilege of facilitating a series of six presentations based on Marshall Rosenberg's work to an intentional community household. I had decided that the way to learn the material better was to find my way of presenting it. I blended material I already knew with NVC. The household I worked with reports that they are very pleased with the tools they now have for relating to each other and being happier living with each other. Being happy living with one another is what I want to see spread and deepen all over the planet! In December this same household asked me to facilitate a house meeting because the tension levels were up again. Resolution was found by a combination of folks realizing where they needed to take personal responsibility for their inner growth; coming up with communication signals to let each other know if they were available to talk or were busy thinking; and better scheduling of uses of various rooms in the house. These understandings and changes were to make room for everyone to pursue their creative endeavours.

Here are some things I learned from my experience with NVC that have personally helped me.
1. Most, if not all conflicts (disagreements, quarrels, emotionally charged misunderstandings) involve two things: (1)genuine needs and (2) the strategies that are attempts to fulfill those needs. The problem is that we tend to not clearly understand, much less be able to communicate what our needs are. Our behavior tends to stem from habits or programmed behavior we learned from folks in our environment. Once we clearly understand our needs, we can become creative about how to go about fulfilling those needs (strategies are how we go about fulfilling our needs).

2. The NVC definition of a need is something that is required for quality of life, for Aliveness. A particular need doesn't imply WHO is going to fulfill it or HOW the need is going to be fulfilled. Needs can be divided into categories, such as biological, emotional, spiritual ... for the fulfillment of human potential. I need food. This doesn't imply who feeds me or what food. I need order. This doesn't imply who takes out the garbage, cleans the kitchen etc. I need love. I need appreciation and recognition. This doesn't imply who. I can ask another person, or I can appreciate and acknowledge myself. Etc.

3. Genuine respect for myself and those I am having conflict with are required in order to turn conflict into opportunity for creative, lovely, solutions. My study of NVC helped me become aware of attitudes I have that are disrespectful of myself and of others. For example, I discovered that I had an attitude of blaming folks for what they did not know! Also that in my own mind/heart I was labeling them as stupid or inferior in some ways. Those attitudes are felt by sensitive folks. I already knew that communication carries attitudes we are trying to hide and even subconscious attitudes.

4. I learned that a sense of safety has to be developed within myself and between me and the person I am having conflict with. I may have to draw on my own inner resources to calm myself in order to engage the other person peacefully.

5. Defensiveness tends to come up.. It has many guises. ( apology, blame, shame, the belief in the need to be right, the belief in the need to win the argument, etc.)

Well, this is enough writing. Thanks for reading. I hope I have persuaded you to join us February 3 and/or come to some other Spiritual Approach To Intelligent Living (http://spiritualism.m...) when we focus on material related to this writing. Have a wonderful Day after Groundhog day, whatever you chose to do with your precious time.
Signing off, Cindy Shamama MoonRose